Not everyone has followed my blog from the beginning, so bear with me while I give a brief synopsis… I’m currently 44, and not so long ago, I was living a fabulous life! I had a great marriage, family, house, and had checked all of those tried and true boxes that you are supposed to check in your adulthood. That was up until about four years ago. That would be the point where my almost 20 year marriage fell apart, I was diagnosed and treated for breast cancer, and in the middle of that run, my husband passed away from his own medical issues that he was not dealing with very successfully. Pretty much, I had a three to four-year run of total twaddle time! (Sidenote… I broke out the thesaurus just now because I felt like some of my readers (family) would eye roll the description of my life as a “Crap fest” show. I see now that “twaddle” means “nonsense” and so I share my new favorite word with you all!!!) Anyway… that made me pause to wonder, “What had I done that caused karma to come at me, like the squirrel and dog attack on Julia Louis-Dreyfus in Christmas Vacation?!?!”
I do rest in solace that there is so much more to this world than what our eyes and hearts could ever feel in the moment. And believe it or not, I had a dream the October before the launch of my personal “crap fest” or “twaddle time of terror” (whatever you want to call it.) In this dream, I was warned that things might get really tough for a bit, but would then come together better than I could ever imagine. These dreams are not totally out of the norm for me, but they are very unique in the way they play out and feel, and because of this, they always stand out among my other dreams. But that probably needs to be a blog in itself for another time. In this particular blog, I wanted to focus on my mindset as I launch myself back into the not so secretive world of midlife singledom. If it sounds like a theme park, I assure you it is not! Well… actually, who am I to say? Truth be told, I’ve just hung out in the parking lot. And that’s where this current blog takes place. The parking lot of Midlife Singledom…
So about a year ago, I received a text from one of my husband’s best friends. At this point, I had pretty much been on my own for a while. The text got right to the point and asked me if I had started seeing anyone. I told him that he was now the 4th or 5th person to ask me that over the last few days, but that the answer was no. He texted back, “Well that’s just because everyone loves you and just wants you to be happy.” How sweet is that, right!?!? The world was just swooping in to give little ol’ me a big bear hug of comfort! But before the full swoop could manifest, I received a second message that said, “Plus it’s been well over 20 years since you’ve been on a first date and you’re totally going to suck at it, so you better start now!” Yeah… that’s more of what I was expecting. And if we are being entirely honest, it’s closer to 30 years than 20!
Here’s the thing – when you are in your mid 40’s, there’s an acceptable amount of time to remain single and pretty much pull your shit together. I have CLEARLY exceeded that window! When your friends and family suggest you consider dating again, you can just consider them your biggest cheerleaders. But when your boys, your in-laws and your previous husband’s friends start asking, then you can be assured that you have maxed out said window.
During this window, there were certainly times that I THOUGHT I was ready, but whenever I got close, I pretty much ran in the other direction! For example, last summer I broke down and signed up for an online dating site. How did I do, you ask??? Well let’s see… I responded to 2-3 of those people messaging through the ENTIRE run of my subscription. One was just friendly banter that just dried up fairly quick. The second was someone who had messaged me because I had listed fantasy football as an interest and I don’t think he believed me. We messaged several times discussing running backs and drafting strategies, but I had no real interest in going on a date. How messed up is that!?!? I used a popular online dating site, paid enrollment fees and used it to formulate a drafting plan for a pretend football team AND I didn’t even end up signing up for the league that year! So as you can see, that was time well spent!
I did learn a valuable lesson though because later I joined 2 other online dating sites (stop laughing). HOWEVER, this time I declined all of the perks and privileges that come with being a paid member. This pretty much means that you can see people but you just can’t contact them and they can’t contact you. But don’t worry, because you can send and receive little heart icons! And that’s SUPER helpful in a world where you are willing to do the most minimum work ever. You can also panic and shut down your account after a week or two…which I may or may not have done. Yeah, okay… I did. I didn’t last more than two weeks. And this told me something. Maybe my window needs to be MUCH bigger. Or, maybe I just want to leave the window open for quite a while.
I had a wonderful opportunity to have a heart to heart with someone close to me a month or two ago. It was someone who really seemed to want to see me move on and start dating again. I think mainly because he’s afraid of seeing me lonely. I had a chance to explain that I’ve been in a relationship since I was a junior in high school, and now over these last few years, for the first time ever, I’ve had a chance to explore who I am on my own. Sometimes that’s scary and overwhelming and sometimes it’s kind of exciting and liberating. But all in all, it’s not an entirely bad place to be!
Before when things had gotten rough in my marriage, I remember the tears and the panic. I couldn’t stand the thought of being in this house and raising the boys all alone. Not only that, but our oldest was about to head off to college very soon; so the thought of the house and only one child was an even tougher thought to embrace. On top of that, I’d blink my eyes and then that child would be off on his own, too! What does that even look like???
I now kind of know what it looks like, although not fully. And honestly, it’s nowhere near as bad as it was in my head years before. Just like everything else, there is positive and negative all rolled up into one. It’s a running theme in life, if you haven’t figured it out by now. It just really comes down to what you or I want to focus on at the time. The good stuff? Or the bad stuff? (Or maybe the twaddle?)
Look at tonight for instance. My oldest son came home from college for spring break, stayed one night and then headed out with a friend on a trip further south. There were no tears, I just gave him a big hug and asked him to be safe and have a good time. My youngest is out with his friends and then staying over at one of the friend’s homes. Once again, no tears and another big hug, with the advice to make good choices, to stay safe and have a good time.
I’m embracing where I am in the present moment and once again shifting my focus to what is positive in my life. I love my kiddos with every ounce that I am. I also love having the time to explore all that I am and all that I can be. I believe that love, in any and all forms, is one of the greatest treasures that you can experience with your time here on earth! And I know without a shadow of a doubt that I’m capable of opening my heart again to someone when the time is right. How can I possibly place faith in that dream and not trust the full message? I saw where things got REALLY rough, so at some point things will be “better than I ever imagined.” It’s there waiting for me in due time, as long as I do the work and make the effort.
I believe the world is a balance and combination of the divine and personal effort. My personal effort is rooted in working on healing my body and soul and sharing my story with others. I wasn’t given a few years of crap just because the universe wanted to make me suffer. I was given this load to show you CAN come out of the other side. You may have some battle wounds but they will heal and the laughter WILL flow again. Sometimes it seems silly to me to put my thoughts or story out there; but often there’s a deep feeling or voice that says, “Just do it!!!”…and I’m pretty sure it’s not some archangel of footwear hovering around me.
My story will be amazing again, I just know it! And when I get there, I will not fight for someone to love me. I will not need someone to fix me or to fill some void within me, or take care of me financially. They will accept me for every weird combination that I am, including scars and all. And believe me, there will be many days filled with travel, randomness and laughter…Oh so much laughter, right off the bat; because I’m betting my friend is absolutely right! I’m going to be pretty crappy at it at first!
XOXO,
Kristen
(I hope that you enjoyed my single musings. I don’t expect that there will be too many of these themed blogs. I have no intention of “Taylor Swifting” any poor, unsuspecting souls in the future. My next blog that’s stirring in my brain is about parting with your hair during chemo. If you know me and my deep love of crazy wigs, then you’ll know that this will be a several part series.)
Forty Free Life? 