Radical Acceptance. It’s a term that I came across months ago while reading and it really resonated with me at the time. I thought about those two words separately and then placed side by side. Two words that became more powerful when they were unified. What a beautifully unique combination and profound concept that those two simple words created when they came together! And then within a series of a few short days I happened to run across that unique two worded combination a few more times and you better believe I took notice! But then what’s typical of me… I forgot all about it.
My thoughts come back to me in due time and I’m learning through this process of sharing my thoughts and story that I can heal myself as well as others. This blog has become one of my avenues and sources of healing. And yet, I am human, so I often put my personal healing aside. More times than not, I’ve been known to ignore the whisper to go write and instead fill my time with other randomness. That is until that whisper becomes more of soul-stirring roar.
Today was one of those soul-stirring days that came from my inner guidance (or possibly too much coffee.) So this morning I logged on to write (while simultaneously ignoring the dishes.) Once I was logged in, I began to rummage back into my history of partially started stories, and the title “Radical Acceptance” resonated with me once again, causing me to open it first. There I found the lonely title and an empty page all but screaming out for attention.
But where do I start? Acceptance is something so very deep that I even question my ability to write about it. It’s at the core of religions and philosophies. It’s woven into every one of life’s triumphs and tragedies. I imagine it keeps therapy couches quite warm, and it’s something I find myself trying to embrace, deny, acquire – or sometimes even bury! – only to pick it up and dabble within the same cycle again and again. But radical acceptance??? That’s seems to me pretty weighty and awe-inspiring. And I’m not talking about just radically accepting EVERYTHING. I’m talking about the radical acceptance of just those things over which you have no control. That’s where it becomes REALLY intense and overwhelming, but at the same time beautiful.
Reflecting back, some things in my past were easier for me to accept. Surprisingly, cancer was one of those things. Scary as hell! But there it was, the fact that I had breast cancer. “Here is your proof and here is what I’m recommending you do.”, the doctors said… And as a single mom of two amazing boys, you better believe I was 100% on board to do that and them some! You name it and I’ll give it a try!
Now on the other side of the pendulum of acceptance (or lack thereof) you will find my struggles with my separation. When I finally drew a line in the sand of what I could accept in my marriage and what I couldn’t, I found out that line was located in a completely different area for him. That was, and sometimes continues to be, something extremely tough for me to accept.
Here’s the thing, I’m a pretty laid back and easy-going person. In the past, it was incredibly uncommon that I would draw ANY sort of line! I think my previous mindset was that if you rarely make a fuss, then you kind of bank points for the future. Under this point system, when you finally say, “This is REALLY important to me!” EVERYONE will certainly listen and oblige. News flash… Despite my best wishes, the world apparently doesn’t always work this way.
My marriage became one of those “news flash” kind of moments. I drew my line and I had to be firm. I needed to push my passive nature aside and say, “This is what I need for our marriage to continue.” What I found in return was that he did not want the same things that I did. I was aware that he cared deeply for me and our family, but he also clearly didn’t agree to the changes that I needed from him to keep the marriage intact. And by this time, we had reached a point where our new norm had become completely unbearable for me.
As far as acceptance goes, it was easy for me to accept that I needed things to change. It was SUPER easy for me to radically accept that HE needed to change. But just for good measure and backup, I had a list of things that I’d be willing to change in case we found areas up for negotiation. ALL of these things were fairly easy for me to accept. Where I struggled a bit more was that HE TOO had choices and they differed from mine. But the biggest struggle of acceptance by far was this… when the line was drawn he did not choose me!
As he put his wedding band down on the table and walked out, I was left to process what had just happened and question why he didn’t see our circumstances exactly as I saw them. I had felt that I had racked up enough points to win this battle and I was humbled that he refused to play my perceived point game. I would now have to face the world as a woman who was separated from her husband. I saw this as a personal failure. I believed in love, believed in our personal love story and believed in our marriage. I believed that in a marriage, if you truly loved one another, then you could work through ANYTHING. Why was this not working? I wouldn’t fully accept it. This couldn’t be the way life works when you truly believe in and work at something. So for a while, I assumed that love (or maybe my karmic point system) would kick in and things would work out. News flash #2… I’ve been known to be wrong.
Having to watch someone you love make choices that impact them and others negatively is EXCEEDINGLY difficult. Still, there was this relentless theme that ran through 2015 and 2016 for me, where I had to accept where my boundaries were and to realize that it was ok and perfectly acceptable to have them. And then there was the separation (and I can only assume the same for divorce) that calls for layers upon layers of acceptance to tackle a new world of finance, parenting and life in general. During this time my husband developed medical conditions that spiraled quickly, and just to give life that little extra pop of excitement, the tail end of his spiral coincided with my cancer diagnosis and treatment.
I often say that my frustrations with his choices added to my fire and determination to accept the cancer and focus on what (and who) I had control over. I found that I had a certain amount of control over my medical care, but whatever things were out of my control, I had to hand over to God. I also found out to my great displeasure, that I did not have much control over his medical care and I had to hand over the overwhelming majority to him and God. Because here’s the kicker that continually got under my skin… If a middle-aged man does not want to go to the doctor, he doesn’t have to go. He does not need to listen to a doctor, his wife, his children, mother or any other long list of people. And here’s where it gets really shitty… He can choose to accept anything for himself that you yourself find unacceptable. (Just as a side note, my point system would be pretty effective in this situation. Just saying…)
Unfortunately, my husband’s health continued to decline rapidly and he passed away on January 6th of 2017 (about a month after my last chemo treatment and a month before my mastectomy.) His passing brought so many layers of acceptance (and sometimes a lack thereof) that I could write for days upon days. But I have to accept that he’s gone. There is not a single thing that will change that fact. I have to continue to raise my boys without him, and hopefully in a way that honor the good parts of who he was. After all, he is very much a part of their lives, physically in their DNA and emotionally through their many memories; so to honor his love is to honor and love them fully.
This acceptance thing is something that I’ll have to work on my whole life. I’ve heard the serenity prayer so often throughout my life. But there comes a moment when the full force of the prayer washes over you.
“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.”
There was a time that I thought that I could change absolutely ANY situation that I set my sights on. All I had to do was really just focus my energy and positivity and dig deep. Fast forward to today and I can still change many things by doing just that; but instead of forsaking everything else, I try to dig as deep as I can until that little voice says “it’s ok to stop.” And here is where it gets REALLY tough… accept the outcome.
It’s a daily reminder (against my personal wishes) that there will always be some situations or people that I just can’t change. (And that’s probably a good thing, because if you remember from my news flash #2, I’ve been known to be wrong at times.) I also acknowledge that I’m not accepting the fact that the situation or person cannot EVER be changed; just that I have my own share of battles and this one is likely reserved for someone else. I am starting to accept that. Radical Acceptance? That’s got to be deeply rooted in the serenity prayer, and despite my crash course in life, I’m still a work in progress. When I reach my “RA” status I’ll let you know.
Forty Free Life? 