Author: fortyfreelife

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New World, Same Sun

 

I sit here trying to sort out a catchy intro for this blog and yet, nothing is coming to me. You’d think with all of the time that I have on my hands I could have come up with something! But alas no… we are a few days into our quarantine here in Virginia and like may others, we are trying to wrap our heads around what is going on in the world while simultaneously keeping an ear out to see who has toilet paper. (Not even sure why I’m so stressed about toilet paper. I have 6 rolls, but the media and other shoppers are making me feel like that is no where near enough!)

Life has changed so much since my last blog. Okay, that’s actually a HUGE understatement! I’m writing this blog from a new rented townhouse after selling our house this past December. (I was able to pull a good chunk of cash out of the sale of that house, but that money has now unfortunately been claimed with the stocks tanking.) Down the hall my boys are currently hanging together in the living room laughing and joking with each other. My oldest graduated college a year earlier than expected and he was bummed about not finishing out his official senior year at JMU. He is now finding himself quite grateful he finished when he did, because he was able to have a graduation and find a job before the Corona virus changed that all up for so many. My youngest, however, is a senior in high school, so he may lose out on the many celebrations and rites of passage that come with this year. Graduation, prom, beach week, senior week, and the list goes on. In the fall he’ll be heading off to SCAD in Savannah. That tuition coupled with the financial world right now is a bit scary for this mama!

I asked the boys today about their thoughts on all that is changing so quickly day by day. The answer is a simple but genuine “I’m okay” from each of them. And then we continue on talking about our multitude of blessings. We are ever so grateful for each other and to still find moments of laughter in our home. Laughter has carried us through some of the most difficult times and I have faith it will carry us through this as well.

There was a chunk of time that laughter was a little more scarce in my life. It slipped out without me even noticing it was gone, if you can believe that! You see my husband suffered from alcoholism and it chased off the laughter and stole much from our lives. This is something that I’ve wanted to write about for some time, because I know that it can help so many people. But it is difficult, because alcoholism is such an ugly disease and it affected one of my absolute favorite people in this world. I promise I will write more about it some day, but this blog is more about not losing out on hope or giving into fear.

The reason I tell you about my husband now is because it was his struggle that lead me into the rooms of Al Anon. I went because I figured if I surrounded myself with enough people that have dealt with alcoholism, then surely I could piece together the best way to fix him, fix our marriage and everything else crumpling in my world. Imagine my disappointment when they said that they could not fix my alcoholic, only he could do that. They did tell me that I could find peace in my world whether he was drinking or not. Totally NOT the answer I was looking for at the time, but I knew I didn’t have any answers OR peace at that point, so I figured I’d give it a shot.

I went to their meetings week after week and I remember almost begging for answers some weeks. Saying things like,”You don’t understand! He could lose his job, or get a DUI, or worse yet hurt someone!” And the response I’d get was something similar to “Yes, unfortunately all of those are a possibility.” (Seriously!?!? That’s like zero help people!!!) As the weeks and months got worse I confided with them,”I’m so afraid he will die if he keeps this up.” And more than one of these friends would say calmly, “Yes he could.”

I can’t stress this enough… EVERY SINGLE TIME it was like a bucket of ice water dumped on me!!! All of my life I was surrounded with family and friends that did their best to chase any and all sense of doom and gloom away. But now these people just embraced the tee total suck of everything and kept going on with their lives!!! It seemed ever so weird to me not to be scooped up in an embrace and promised that my fears were unfounded and that everything would turn out just the way that I envisioned it.

One week I rolled in and the theme of the meeting was “fear.” I remember a woman sharing that night and it’s as if her words had a highlighter run across them for me. Something deep in my soul (or more likely my overworked guardian angel) said to pay attention and always remember this moment and these words. The words of a woman whose life had suffered very tragically from alcoholism, yet she has a laugh that brings the most beautiful energy into a room. She said she was there as a reminder that sometimes, unfortunately, your worst fears do come true. But guess what? The sun still comes up day after day, life still goes on, and it’s up to us what we make of those days. The laughter and happiness will return if we let it.

I needed to be there that night and I needed to hear that message! I refer back to those words time and time again. That’s trust. That’s faith. That’s not giving into fear. That’s acceptance. That and the return of laughter have been what have gotten me through everything that was to come in the days, months and years after. That outlook lifted me up through separation, a cancer diagnosis, chemotherapy, mastectomy, my husband’s passing, and right on through to these current days of quarantine.

Schools are closed, meetings cancelled, businesses shut down, graduations likely cancelled, and financial loses are evident across the board wherever you look. Everyone in the whole world just had a bucket of ice cold water dumped on us. Things are bad and not at all what ANY of us wanted. But my friend is right, the sun really does keep coming up. It comes up whether we have toilet paper in the house or not! It comes up whether my child goes to prom or not. It comes up whether the stocks rally or crash. And sometimes even in the most painful of times, as it did for me 3 years ago, it comes up on days after you lose someone that you loved ever so dearly. But remember, life goes on and the laughter and happiness is there too if you will allow it in. It’s there for the taking absolutely anytime that you need it. It’s there now if you just breathe and look around.

Sending much love to you all my friends!

Kristen

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Radical Acceptance

Radical Acceptance. It’s a term that I came across months ago while reading and it really resonated with me at the time. I thought about those two words separately and then placed side by side. Two words that became more powerful when they were unified. What a beautifully unique combination and profound concept that those two simple words created when they came together! And then within a series of a few short days I happened to run across that unique two worded combination a few more times and you better believe I took notice! But then what’s typical of me… I forgot all about it.

My thoughts come back to me in due time and I’m learning through this process of sharing my thoughts and story that I can heal myself as well as others. This blog has become one of my avenues and sources of healing. And yet, I am human, so I often put my personal healing aside. More times than not, I’ve been known to ignore the whisper to go write and instead fill my time with other randomness. That is until that whisper becomes more of soul-stirring roar.

Today was one of those soul-stirring days that came from my inner guidance (or possibly too much coffee.) So this morning I logged on to write (while simultaneously ignoring the dishes.) Once I was logged in, I began to rummage back into my history of partially started stories, and the title “Radical Acceptance” resonated with me once again, causing me to open it first. There I found the lonely title and an empty page all but screaming out for attention.

But where do I start? Acceptance is something so very deep that I even question my ability to write about it. It’s at the core of religions and philosophies. It’s woven into every one of life’s triumphs and tragedies. I imagine it keeps therapy couches quite warm, and it’s something I find myself trying to embrace, deny, acquire – or sometimes even bury! – only to pick it up and dabble within the same cycle again and again. But radical acceptance??? That’s seems to me pretty weighty and awe-inspiring. And I’m not talking about just radically accepting EVERYTHING. I’m talking about the radical acceptance of just those things over which you have no control. That’s where it becomes REALLY intense and overwhelming, but at the same time beautiful.

Reflecting back, some things in my past were easier for me to accept. Surprisingly, cancer was one of those things. Scary as hell! But there it was, the fact that I had breast cancer. “Here is your proof and here is what I’m recommending you do.”, the doctors said… And as a single mom of two amazing boys, you better believe I was 100% on board to do that and them some! You name it and I’ll give it a try!

Now on the other side of the pendulum of acceptance (or lack thereof) you will find my struggles with my separation. When I finally drew a line in the sand of what I could accept in my marriage and what I couldn’t, I found out that line was located in a completely different area for him. That was, and sometimes continues to be, something extremely tough for me to accept.

Here’s the thing, I’m a pretty laid back and easy-going person. In the past, it was incredibly uncommon that I would draw ANY sort of line! I think my previous mindset was that if you rarely make a fuss, then you kind of bank points for the future. Under this point system, when you finally say, “This is REALLY important to me!” EVERYONE will certainly listen and oblige. News flash… Despite my best wishes, the world apparently doesn’t always work this way.

My marriage became one of those “news flash” kind of moments. I drew my line and I had to be firm. I needed to push my passive nature aside and say, “This is what I need for our marriage to continue.” What I found in return was that he did not want the same things that I did. I was aware that he cared deeply for me and our family, but he also clearly didn’t agree to the changes that I needed from him to keep the marriage intact. And by this time, we had reached a point where our new norm had become completely unbearable for me.

As far as acceptance goes, it was easy for me to accept that I needed things to change. It was SUPER easy for me to radically accept that HE needed to change. But just for good measure and backup, I had a list of things that I’d be willing to change in case we found areas up for negotiation. ALL of these things were fairly easy for me to accept. Where I struggled a bit more was that HE TOO had choices and they differed from mine. But the biggest struggle of acceptance by far was this… when the line was drawn he did not choose me!

As he put his wedding band down on the table and walked out, I was left to process what had just happened and question why he didn’t see our circumstances exactly as I saw them. I had felt that I had racked up enough points to win this battle and I was humbled that he refused to play my perceived point game. I would now have to face the world as a woman who was separated from her husband. I saw this as a personal failure. I believed in love, believed in our personal love story and believed in our marriage. I believed that in a marriage, if you truly loved one another, then you could work through ANYTHING. Why was this not working? I wouldn’t fully accept it. This couldn’t be the way life works when you truly believe in and work at something. So for a while, I assumed that love (or maybe my karmic point system) would kick in and things would work out. News flash #2… I’ve been known to be wrong.

Having to watch someone you love make choices that impact them and others negatively is EXCEEDINGLY difficult. Still, there was this relentless theme that ran through 2015 and 2016 for me, where I had to accept where my boundaries were and to realize that it was ok and perfectly acceptable to have them. And then there was the separation (and I can only assume the same for divorce) that calls for layers upon layers of acceptance to tackle a new world of finance, parenting and life in general. During this time my husband developed medical conditions that spiraled quickly, and just to give life that little extra pop of excitement, the tail end of his spiral coincided with my cancer diagnosis and treatment.

I often say that my frustrations with his choices added to my fire and determination to accept the cancer and focus on what (and who) I had control over. I found that I had a certain amount of control over my medical care, but whatever things were out of my control, I had to hand over to God. I also found out to my great displeasure, that I did not have much control over his medical care and I had to hand over the overwhelming majority to him and God.  Because here’s the kicker that continually got under my skin… If a middle-aged man does not want to go to the doctor, he doesn’t have to go. He does not need to listen to a doctor, his wife, his children, mother or any other long list of people. And here’s where it gets really shitty… He can choose to accept anything for himself that you yourself find unacceptable. (Just as a side note, my point system would be pretty effective in this situation. Just saying…)

Unfortunately, my husband’s health continued to decline rapidly and he passed away on January 6th of 2017 (about a month after my last chemo treatment and a month before my mastectomy.) His passing brought so many layers of acceptance (and sometimes a lack thereof) that I could write for days upon days. But I have to accept that he’s gone. There is not a single thing that will change that fact. I have to continue to raise my boys without him, and hopefully in a way that honor the good parts of who he was. After all, he is very much a part of their lives, physically in their DNA and emotionally through their many memories; so to honor his love is to honor and love them fully.

This acceptance thing is something that I’ll have to work on my whole life. I’ve heard the serenity prayer so often throughout my life. But there comes a moment when the full force of the prayer washes over you.

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.”

There was a time that I thought that I could change absolutely ANY situation that I set my sights on. All I had to do was really just focus my energy and positivity and dig deep. Fast forward to today and I can still change many things by doing just that; but instead of forsaking everything else, I try to dig as deep as I can until that little voice says “it’s ok to stop.” And here is where it gets REALLY tough… accept the outcome.

It’s a daily reminder (against my personal wishes) that there will always be some situations or people that I just can’t change. (And that’s probably a good thing, because if you remember from my news flash #2, I’ve been known to be wrong at times.) I also acknowledge that I’m not accepting the fact that the situation or person cannot EVER be changed; just that I have my own share of battles and this one is likely reserved for someone else. I am starting to accept that. Radical Acceptance? That’s got to be deeply rooted in the serenity prayer, and despite my crash course in life, I’m still a work in progress. When I reach my “RA” status I’ll let you know.

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Dating in your mid 40’s??? What’s my window again?

Not everyone has followed my blog from the beginning, so bear with me while I give a brief synopsis… I’m currently 44, and not so long ago, I was living a fabulous life! I had a great marriage, family, house, and had checked all of those tried and true boxes that you are supposed to check in your adulthood. That was up until about four years ago. That would be the point where my almost 20 year marriage fell apart, I was diagnosed and treated for breast cancer, and in the middle of that run, my husband passed away from his own medical issues that he was not dealing with very successfully. Pretty much, I had a three to four-year run of total twaddle time! (Sidenote… I broke out the thesaurus just now because I felt like some of my readers (family) would eye roll the description of my life as a “Crap fest” show. I see now that “twaddle” means “nonsense” and so I share my new favorite word with you all!!!) Anyway… that made me pause to wonder, “What had I done that caused karma to come at me, like the squirrel and dog attack on Julia Louis-Dreyfus in Christmas Vacation?!?!”

I do rest in solace that there is so much more to this world than what our eyes and hearts could ever feel in the moment. And believe it or not, I had a dream the October before the launch of my personal “crap fest” or “twaddle time of terror” (whatever you want to call it.) In this dream, I was warned that things might get really tough for a bit, but would then come together better than I could ever imagine. These dreams are not totally out of the norm for me, but they are very unique in the way they play out and feel, and because of this, they always stand out among my other dreams. But that probably needs to be a blog in itself for another time. In this particular blog, I wanted to focus on my mindset as I launch myself back into the not so secretive world of midlife singledom. If it sounds like a theme park, I assure you it is not! Well… actually, who am I to say? Truth be told, I’ve just hung out in the parking lot. And that’s where this current blog takes place. The parking lot of Midlife Singledom…

So about a year ago, I received a text from one of my husband’s best friends. At this point, I had pretty much been on my own for a while. The text got right to the point and asked me if I had started seeing anyone. I told him that he was now the 4th or 5th person to ask me that over the last few days, but that the answer was no. He texted back, “Well that’s just because everyone loves you and just wants you to be happy.” How sweet is that, right!?!? The world was just swooping in to give little ol’ me a big bear hug of comfort! But before the full swoop could manifest, I received a second message that said, “Plus it’s been well over 20 years since you’ve been on a first date and you’re totally going to suck at it, so you better start now!” Yeah… that’s more of what I was expecting. And if we are being entirely honest, it’s closer to 30 years than 20!

Here’s the thing – when you are in your mid 40’s, there’s an acceptable amount of time to remain single and pretty much pull your shit together. I have CLEARLY exceeded that window! When your friends and family suggest you consider dating again, you can just consider them your biggest cheerleaders. But when your boys, your in-laws and your previous husband’s friends start asking, then you can be assured that you have maxed out said window.

During this window, there were certainly times that I THOUGHT I was ready, but whenever I got close, I pretty much ran in the other direction! For example, last summer I broke down and signed up for an online dating site. How did I do, you ask??? Well let’s see… I responded to 2-3 of those people messaging through the ENTIRE run of my subscription. One was just friendly banter that just dried up fairly quick. The second was someone who had messaged me because I had listed fantasy football as an interest and I don’t think he believed me. We messaged several times discussing running backs and drafting strategies, but I had no real interest in going on a date. How messed up is that!?!? I used a popular online dating site, paid enrollment fees and used it to formulate a drafting plan for a pretend football team AND I didn’t even end up signing up for the league that year! So as you can see, that was time well spent!

I did learn a valuable lesson though because later I joined 2 other online dating sites (stop laughing). HOWEVER, this time I declined all of the perks and privileges that come with being a paid member. This pretty much means that you can see people but you just can’t contact them and they can’t contact you. But don’t worry, because you can send and receive little heart icons! And that’s SUPER helpful in a world where you are willing to do the most minimum work ever. You can also panic and shut down your account after a week or two…which I may or may not have done. Yeah, okay… I did. I didn’t last more than two weeks. And this told me something. Maybe my window needs to be MUCH bigger. Or, maybe I just want to leave the window open for quite a while.

I had a wonderful opportunity to have a heart to heart with someone close to me a month or two ago. It was someone who really seemed to want to see me move on and start dating again. I think mainly because he’s afraid of seeing me lonely. I had a chance to explain that I’ve been in a relationship since I was a junior in high school, and now over these last few years, for the first time ever, I’ve had a chance to explore who I am on my own. Sometimes that’s scary and overwhelming and sometimes it’s kind of exciting and liberating. But all in all, it’s not an entirely bad place to be!

Before when things had gotten rough in my marriage, I remember the tears and the panic. I couldn’t stand the thought of being in this house and raising the boys all alone. Not only that, but our oldest was about to head off to college very soon; so the thought of the house and only one child was an even tougher thought to embrace. On top of that, I’d blink my eyes and then that child would be off on his own, too! What does that even look like???

I now kind of know what it looks like, although not fully. And honestly, it’s nowhere near as bad as it was in my head years before. Just like everything else, there is positive and negative all rolled up into one. It’s a running theme in life, if you haven’t figured it out by now. It just really comes down to what you or I want to focus on at the time. The good stuff? Or the bad stuff? (Or maybe the twaddle?)

Look at tonight for instance. My oldest son came home from college for spring break, stayed one night and then headed out with a friend on a trip further south. There were no tears, I just gave him a big hug and asked him to be safe and have a good time. My youngest is out with his friends and then staying over at one of the friend’s homes. Once again, no tears and another big hug, with the advice to make good choices, to stay safe and have a good time.

I’m embracing where I am in the present moment and once again shifting my focus to what is positive in my life. I love my kiddos with every ounce that I am. I also love having the time to explore all that I am and all that I can be. I believe that love, in any and all forms, is one of the greatest treasures that you can experience with your time here on earth! And I know without a shadow of a doubt that I’m capable of opening my heart again to someone when the time is right. How can I possibly place faith in that dream and not trust the full message? I saw where things got REALLY rough, so at some point things will be “better than I ever imagined.” It’s there waiting for me in due time, as long as I do the work and make the effort.

I believe the world is a balance and combination of the divine and personal effort. My personal effort is rooted in working on healing my body and soul and sharing my story with others. I wasn’t given a few years of crap just because the universe wanted to make me suffer. I was given this load to show you CAN come out of the other side. You may have some battle wounds but they will heal and the laughter WILL flow again. Sometimes it seems silly to me to put my thoughts or story out there; but often there’s a deep feeling or voice that says, “Just do it!!!”…and I’m pretty sure it’s not some archangel of footwear hovering around me.

My story will be amazing again, I just know it! And when I get there, I will not fight for someone to love me. I will not need someone to fix me or to fill some void within me, or take care of me financially. They will accept me for every weird combination that I am, including scars and all. And believe me, there will be many days filled with travel, randomness and laughter…Oh so much laughter, right off the bat; because I’m betting my friend is absolutely right! I’m going to be pretty crappy at it at first!

XOXO,

Kristen

(I hope that you enjoyed my single musings. I don’t expect that there will be too many of these themed blogs. I have no intention of “Taylor Swifting” any poor, unsuspecting souls in the future. My next blog that’s stirring in my brain is about parting with your hair during chemo. If you know me and my deep love of crazy wigs, then you’ll know that this will be a several part series.)

 

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Is it ok to laugh at the C word?

So the little seed to write was planted by my dear friend Amy, during a laughing session. The kind of session where tears were streaming down my face, I was doubled over and immensely grateful that my latest run of Pilates had strengthened my core a bit. Not an uncommon scene in my life but what was very uncommon for me, at this particular time, was that we were laughing through a conversation framed by my recent breast cancer diagnosis.

But is it ok to laugh at cancer? Cancer isn’t funny. I lost my dad to cancer and in the last several years, I have had numerous people close to me diagnosed; resulting in various treatments and outcomes stretching across the whole spectrum. But when I got my diagnosis, I felt an intense need to get control wherever I could, to right my world! And I had decided if laughter was the best medicine then I would dose myself every possible moment! Like EVERY possible moment! Seriously. EVERY. POSSIBLE. MOMENT!

Amy mentioned that if I could see a way to laugh through something like this, then I really needed to try to put it all in a book. So… I did what I usually do. And that is, wait for it….. PROCRASTINATE!!!

I journaled for about 4 or 5 pages, in roughly 15 different super cute journals, with the most inspiring and motivational covers ever! I brain stormed ideas off and on. And then I polled friends on whether it was a good idea to even write for probably well over a year. Heck, I even Feng Shui-ed the hell out of the creativity bagua of my house before I sat down to really embrace my writing. (FYI… You’ll soon learn that I do love me some feng shui!) (Additional FYI… through the passing of time, my creativity area is super cluttered again. So if you don’t like this blog, can we just blame it on all the crap in that corner and not my writing???) But to share my story I need to back it up a bit.

It was over the summer of 2016, and I had just completed my first official year back to the world of employment, after a sixteen year hiatus. The previous years I had been a stay at home mom to our two boys. During the previous year of 2015, my marriage had hit a really rough patch and we ended up separating. Our marriage was set up that I did all things home and child related and he did all things work and financial related. And most of the time, I felt that it really worked for us. And then suddenly… it didn’t!!! And even though my boys were teenagers at the time, it was still CRAZY busy to raise them on my own, go back to work, take care of the house, try to help my oldest navigate his senior year and explore colleges and handle everything else life wants to toss at you.

I was 41 at the time and had procrastinated a year or two on doing my first mammogram. I had done the baseline test in my late 30’s but not my official 40-year-old “glamour shots” so to speak. Seriously though, I was still in the young category of risk, we didn’t have any family history, and I was in pretty good shape, so there was time to still get it done at some point. After all, I had just had a near rock star kind of checkup from my PCP just a few months prior. Like all of my numbers were in perfection zone and I should teach a class, kind of check up! And although I wasn’t stellar about self checks, I’d poke around in the shower while soaping up once or twice a year; and I’d think about how AWESOME I was to remember this task! Then I’d pause to give myself a moment of internal applause and then perhaps my thoughts would drift to something like changing the air filters in the house too, so I’d REALLY be crushing it in life!

Luckily for me, this time my mammogram appointment was just set up for me by my PCP’s office because, realistically if it were left up to me, it might still be on my to-do list. Look, I’m fully aware that I’m not what you’d call “organized.” And I realize that my life’s path often takes a few detours. I’ve also become accustomed to my friends shouting “Squirrel!” just because my focus drifts ever so slightly or perhaps sometimes it’s more of a Fast and Furious kind of drifting.  AND I was always aware that mammograms are super important. But do you know what else is super important to busy moms? The laundry, the house, the orthodontist appointments, the lacrosse games, the FAFSA forms, the days that you have to take off work for being sick or having sick kids, and trying not to take time off work for a doctors checkup when you aren’t even sick, and… you get it right?

Well rock star Kristen decided to make time for said mammogram and not cancel it. And rock star Kristen ended up getting a call to come back and do a repeat mammogram because they saw something. They’d like to look again to see if they can get a better idea of what they were seeing in a certain spot. Was it a cyst, calcification or something else? But it wasn’t something to worry about. And I genuinely wasn’t worried. Then I got the call to come back and do a biopsy just to check and rule out some things, but not to worry. I still wasn’t worried. Well… then I got the call to come in so they could discuss the results. “Okay???” And then she asked if I could make sure someone drove me to the appointment. “Well ssshhhit…!” And yet, there was still a part of me that was quite hopeful that the test was inconclusive and they just wanted to err on the side of caution and take it out anyway. So I arrived that same day with my mother filling the spot of requested driver and I heard the official “I’m very sorry to have to tell you this but it is cancer.”

So here is why I will forever be a cheerleader for mammograms!

  • It was my 1st official mammogram.
  • I was only 41.
  • At the time had ZERO family history of breast cancer.
  • Later on I took genetic testing and nothing genetically tied to breast cancer or any other cancer showed up.
  • Despite the tumor being slightly over 2 cm (about an inch) I NEVER felt it! AND knowing the location of the tumor and the size the oncologist, 2 different cancer surgeons and my plastic surgeon could not feel it!
  • The particular cancer that I had could be one of the more aggressive breast cancers.

What I was facing was a Stage 2 or 3, HER2 positive and hormone negative tumor. They couldn’t give me a stage because besides the tumor there were several areas of speckling around the tumor that were not biopsied so they didn’t know whether to include that as an area affected. Plus, there was a suspicious looking lymph node near my underarm that might have cancer in it too. (Spoiler alert… it did.)

If you’ve been unfortunate enough to hear those words or have someone close to you that has or has had a cancer diagnosis, then you know the MASSIVE amount of doctor appointments that become your immediate life. Suddenly carving out time for one measly little mammogram seemed pretty trivial! And all of these appointments had and continue to have very serious undertones to them, and of course they should be taken seriously. But here’s the problem… I’m not that much of a serious person. And the one thing I personally DID NOT want more than anything else, was for someone’s energy to change around me and get all down, somber or serious! Remember my medicine of choice??? I had resolved to up the laughter in my life 110%, to fill my post chemo recliner TV time with comedies, hilarious movies, stand up comedy acts, and to flood my life with people and stories that would support my optimism. I figured one of two things would happen. I’d either create an atmosphere strongly conducive to healing or, if beating cancer wasn’t in my cards; then my life was still full of laughter and maybe I’d leave some great stories with my loved ones!

I started to chip away at all of my doctors appointments with my mom in tow. She insisted on coming to every single one of them. Seriously, God love her, every single one! And there were oh soooo many of them! Perhaps it was the motherly love that runs deep in her soul, or perhaps it’s my squirrel like focus to important details that she didn’t trust. Either way I’d joke with myself, my mom, nurses, doctors and staff. I’d laugh at my own jokes and then laugh at my mother’s and or doctor’s reaction. For example, once my mom got ever so teary at a surgical consult and said that she wished she could trade places with me or “donate” to my cause because she didn’t need them (“them” meaning boobs.) I replied something to the effect of… “Don’t you dare give me her old lady boobs!!!! We don’t even know what kind of shelf life those things have in them AND they are way lower than what I would want anyway!”  Initially the sheer “deer in the headlights” look from the first surgical doctor was enough for me to double over in my hospital gown. (Which, squirrel moment… Can I say that hospital gowns for a breast cancer patient are a complete and total waste of laundry! “Please take everything off from the waist up and leave the gown open in the front.” “Oh thank God!!! I’m so glad that I get to cover my back and upper arms! Because that could have been TOTALLY embarrassing!” But anyway, I digress…)

My mom has a great sense of humor too; I wouldn’t have outed her publicly like this if I hadn’t gotten a smidge of her humorous DNA amongst my own. I also quickly began to realize that the doctors and nurses grew to welcome our bit of randomness in their day. Let’s be honest, they have a TOUGH job most days. So there were jokes about the robes, a seemingly endless supply of boob jokes, jokes about my hair, jokes about going “full Barbie” (because yes, often the nipples go away too.) I had jokes on jokes on jokes.

Now if you have made it thus far in reading this blog, then you’ll realize that I probably already qualify for the “wordy blog” category. And because it is my hope and feeling to spread a little bit of laughter amongst a such a somber backdrop, I plan to do a series of blogs though the next year or so to highlight some of our laughs. I’ve been editing this one blog for oh so very long! So by breaking it up into smaller stories I’m hoping that it will work better.

I’ll also state that I’ve sat on this one for a secondary reason.  And that is because I know several people personally that fought like hell to beat cancer and weren’t as successful. In fact, I just learned of another truly dear soul that lost her battle not too long ago. But she was an amazingly optimistic person and I know she’d say, “Don’t you dare not publish this on my account! After all the laughs that we had!?!?”

I truly mean no disrespect to any of you wonderful souls out there. Yes, cancer SUCKS!!!! It will take your hair, your appetite, your energy, perhaps parts of your body, perhaps even all of your body. But it does not get to take the essence of your soul and who you are! And you choose what resides in your soul. For me it was and remains to be laughter over cancer!

I deeply wish laughter and peace in all forms, for those diagnosed with cancer, all of their friends and family and the medical teams that work and walk amongst us! Much love to you all! And happiness and laughter wherever and whenever you can find it!

XOXO,

Kristen

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Bookstore Kristen

Yesterday, my youngest child wanted to go school shopping and I’m just the kind of bang up mom to make dreams happen! (Sometimes…) But then I realized that we’ve hit that pre-drivers license, “I’m too cool for you phase.” This means, I throw my child in the car, pick up a few of his friends, throw a little cash his way, drop the party off at the mall and then retreat FAR, FAR away until I get my Uber-like text that it’s time for pickup.

So what’s a single, middle-aged mom to do to fill several hours away from home? Well, this mom starts with sushi and apparently, a bit of unnecessary emotional support from a waitress. She seemed a bit too concerned that I was sitting down to lunch at 2:00 and more importantly, by myself. A couple of people asked if anyone else would be joining me. It kind of seemed like the restaurant scene from Finding Sarah Marshall where Jonah Hill is surprised about Jason Segel dining alone. But I love eating out so solo dining or the constant “adultnapping” of friends to join me will be my new norm soon enough and I’ll need to embrace it.

FYI…solo dining moves SUPER fast! I only managed to kill off about 30 minutes, so I needed to look for something else to do. Shopping for myself was a no go because I’m in the “I absolutely REFUSE to buy the next size up” clothing phase. So…off to Barnes and Noble I went!

I don’t know if bookstores pump extra oxygen through the air ducts like it is rumored that casinos do, but I instantly perk up in there. I feel like a Kristen that is on the verge of great things!!! I’m not even THAT big of a reader! (Let’s keep that on the down low though, since I work in an elementary school library.) But seriously, I typically go through phases of reading a couple of books every year or two. Now in my mind, that will change very soon and I’ll read at least one a month. But… that’s been my mindset probably since I was at a Dr. Seuss like reading level, if I’m being completely honest.

However, once again I entered a bookstore feeling like I’m seriously about to get my shit together. I’m going to learn to cook like a top contender for Top Chef. I’m going to grab a travel magazine and figure out which island is just beckoning my arrival (and I’ll grab a new diet book, too so I’ll be bikini ready by then). I’m even going to figure out what my spirit animal might actually be (it’s an otter BTW), what color my aura is, AND how to clean it if needed!

Of course, later on when I walk out of the bookstore, I’ll realize that I’m too tired for the grocery store, I just got back from a trip and need to put a pin in travel for a bit, and cleaning my floors seems to prevail over cleaning my aura for the day! But, whatever… bookstore Kristen is AMAZING and I had at least four hours to sit and soak up all of the possibilities. (Since my laundry did not follow me to B&N, I actually could sit and cleanse my aura if I found it in the need of a wipe down.)

As I wandered the aisles and tables of books, I pulled from them as you would from an all you can eat buffet. Grabbing a little of this or that. A little travel? Yes, please! Self help? Why not! There’s always room for improvement? Classic literature? Comedy? Mystery? Why not! Young Adult and kids books? Well I do work in that elementary library so I guess I need to be current.

After about 3 hours, I still hadn’t received my “please come retrieve us” text. I sat in the back of the store with some Oreo cheesecake kind of thing, a cup of hot tea and about $200-$300 worth of books and magazines. I was clearly quite convinced that all of these will be most beneficial in some way to my life.  Have I mentioned that I work at an elementary library? I do. And not even that famous high paying teacher’s salary that you always hear about, but their assistant style salary. This is code for, many of these books and magazines needed to find their way back to the shelves. (Bookstore Kristen was a little disappointed at the lost possibilities.)

I pushed a Facebook plea for help through that little Wi-Fi world of wonder to help sort my way through the ginormous pile. One book that I’ve heard so much about that was echoed by my Facebook responses was Girl Wash Your Face. It was the first to make its way to the keep pile. Currently, I’m two chapters in and I’m in love already! A woman who publicly admits to those post baby, pee yourself moments!?!? Well that woman is clearly part of my tribe! Maybe our secret handshake of sorts can be trying to cross your legs quickly before a sneeze?

The next book that made it into the keep pile was Eat Cake. Be Brave. I haven’t started this one but just scanning it tells me that it’s pretty funny, too. If I don’t change my reading productivity time, I’d guess that these are my two books for the year. And yet…I bought more books!!!

I purchased three travel magazines because I feel the need to travel so deep in my soul that it pains me to stay in one place. The beauty that is out there in the scenery, people and cultures is beyond what I could ever begin to describe. And the chance to experience that and share it with my boys is quickly becoming one of my top life priorities.

The last book that I purchased was in the discount section and just spoke to me. I always have a book that jumps out at me. I walk around with it the entire time, often trying to put it back, only to pick it back up and walk some more. This process repeats several times until checkout. This particular time the book is When God Winks at You: How God Speaks Directly to You Though the Power of Coincidence. (I’ve always like the term “God Winks” and I have some ideas in the works to explore and write about my own series of God winks, so hopefully you’ll stay tuned for those.)

When I FINALLY got to checkout, I laughed to myself about the overall themes that I’d chosen to hone in on for this particular day. I thought to myself, “It looks like I have an awful lot of stuff to sort out in life, or that I’m preparing to escape from it all!” And then, I was humbled for a bit because I think that IS actually where I am. It’s probably why I’m here right now, blogging at my computer to share my journey with you. It’s why I’m hoping that through this journey, you can laugh at my randomness and see how it carries me through the ups and downs of life.

I do believe that we are tied into the universe in a way that we draw things in when we need them. I believe that there are undercurrents of themes that become popular because so many people are feeling them. I love how the first two books that I told you about were the books that I picked up within the first few minutes of my 4 or 5 hour bookstore visit. Both books are full of humor from women admitting their faults but sharing their successes. That’s such a beautiful place to be and to allow others to draw from as needed. Already, the tiny bit that I’ve read has made me stand a little taller, laugh a little louder, smile a little wider and try a little harder. I 100% recommend Girl Wash Your Face (and I’ll update this once I’ve read the others).

But for now, I realize that Bookstore Kristen, full of wonder and possibilities, dances in and out of my life. And that’s really OK! She gives me ideas of where I’d like to go and what I’d like to achieve. The real Kristen will certainly give it a shot – sometimes it’s a wonderful success in that whole caterpillar transformation into a butterfly kind of way. And sometimes, it ends up being such an absurd bundle of crappy chaos that it leaves me laughing so hard I have to cross my legs.

 

 

 

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I’m starting new boxes because someone might have snuck fireworks in the last set.

How many of us had a plan and were moving through life successfully checking all of those boxes only to find that one day, someone loaded up those boxes and either moved them or chucked them off a cliff? I’m guessing quite a few of us or the universe wouldn’t have sent me so many people asking that I write a book or a blog or something. I have never considered myself a writer, but for whatever reason people seem to enjoy my stories – the good , the bad and the all out YIKES!

I’m going to briefly tell you what was in my boxes (that I’m certain were dumped cliffside) to give you some insight on the themes of my future entries. And spoiler alert… most of my boxes are in fact lost, empty or filled with a hodgepodge of sheer randomness. And really, that’s where I drew the inspiration for the title of this blog, “Forty Free Life?”.

I’m 43 and find myself rediscovering me and creating a new life. Sometimes I look at it and wonder what in the world I’m doing and other times I feel a weird sense of freedom in starting over. It’s not what I would have chosen if I had my way, but if it can’t be changed (and it can’t, I assure you) then I’m sure as hell going to make the best of it!

My old life consisted of getting a BFA in Costume Design (kind of random right?), marrying my high school sweetheart and having two amazing boys (now 20 and 16). We live in a beautiful house in the fairly small town in VA where I was born and raised. My degree wasn’t REALLY what you’d describe as high paying in this area, so as my husband’s career soared, I was gifted the flexibility to stay at home and raise the kids. It was amazing!!!

Now let’s zip forward a bit…

After 18 years, my marriage started to crumble right about the time our oldest was preparing for college. I decided I better get back into the working world. I took a job at the boys’ former elementary school since it had benefits and a schedule that would allow me time with the boys. (I want to soak up all that I can since these are the last few years of them being at home!) After my first year on my own and with the first year of the new job under my belt, I was ready to send my oldest off to college. But first…how about some breast cancer??? So yeah, there was that. (I’ll go into that some more in the future, but after doing the whole trifecta of chemo, mastectomy and radiation, I’m doing good.) And life apparently wasn’t done with us because a month before my mastectomy, my husband (who had moved out, but we were still very close) passed away. This loss was tough and I know one day I’ll go into it when the time is right, but I’ll be tucking that aside for just a bit. The main point of understanding that is for now, these posts will revolve around just myself and the boys in this new, crazy, sometimes overwhelming and sometimes exciting phase of life.

So… at 43 I find myself resolving that my previous boxes clearly had secret explosives in them! And now new boxes have arrived, and I’m staring at them pondering the intended contents as my kids get ready to start their own lives, and I debate about a house WAY to big for me, a job that I enjoy but most likely isn’t my true calling, and a town that I love but feel as if it’s time to possibly move on. Many people may have had the wind knocked out of them along the way, but I’ve been surprised as hell at the ability of my boys and I to bounce back. A big reason for this rebound is our sense of humor and I certainly hope as this project moves forward that translates. We can laugh at just about everything, most importantly – ourselves.

So stay tuned for hopefully some profound laughs as I reenter and recreate a life as a slightly naïve middle-aged woman. What’s it like to face and overcome some of my fears? What was it like staring down breast cancer and now (possibly) dating after a mastectomy and not having a first date in close to 3 decades? (I’m sure there’s some good humor in this one.) How do you go about leaving all that you know behind and starting new? And of course, hopefully something that I’ll have a chance to write about often will be one of my new found loves… travel!!!!

I very much hope that you join me for some laughs and that my stories benefit you in some way. I’m a big believer in synchronicity, so maybe one of you will comment something that will factor greatly into my new journey. Let’s do this!!!

Much love!

Kristen