Category: acceptance

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New World, Same Sun

 

I sit here trying to sort out a catchy intro for this blog and yet, nothing is coming to me. You’d think with all of the time that I have on my hands I could have come up with something! But alas no… we are a few days into our quarantine here in Virginia and like may others, we are trying to wrap our heads around what is going on in the world while simultaneously keeping an ear out to see who has toilet paper. (Not even sure why I’m so stressed about toilet paper. I have 6 rolls, but the media and other shoppers are making me feel like that is no where near enough!)

Life has changed so much since my last blog. Okay, that’s actually a HUGE understatement! I’m writing this blog from a new rented townhouse after selling our house this past December. (I was able to pull a good chunk of cash out of the sale of that house, but that money has now unfortunately been claimed with the stocks tanking.) Down the hall my boys are currently hanging together in the living room laughing and joking with each other. My oldest graduated college a year earlier than expected and he was bummed about not finishing out his official senior year at JMU. He is now finding himself quite grateful he finished when he did, because he was able to have a graduation and find a job before the Corona virus changed that all up for so many. My youngest, however, is a senior in high school, so he may lose out on the many celebrations and rites of passage that come with this year. Graduation, prom, beach week, senior week, and the list goes on. In the fall he’ll be heading off to SCAD in Savannah. That tuition coupled with the financial world right now is a bit scary for this mama!

I asked the boys today about their thoughts on all that is changing so quickly day by day. The answer is a simple but genuine “I’m okay” from each of them. And then we continue on talking about our multitude of blessings. We are ever so grateful for each other and to still find moments of laughter in our home. Laughter has carried us through some of the most difficult times and I have faith it will carry us through this as well.

There was a chunk of time that laughter was a little more scarce in my life. It slipped out without me even noticing it was gone, if you can believe that! You see my husband suffered from alcoholism and it chased off the laughter and stole much from our lives. This is something that I’ve wanted to write about for some time, because I know that it can help so many people. But it is difficult, because alcoholism is such an ugly disease and it affected one of my absolute favorite people in this world. I promise I will write more about it some day, but this blog is more about not losing out on hope or giving into fear.

The reason I tell you about my husband now is because it was his struggle that lead me into the rooms of Al Anon. I went because I figured if I surrounded myself with enough people that have dealt with alcoholism, then surely I could piece together the best way to fix him, fix our marriage and everything else crumpling in my world. Imagine my disappointment when they said that they could not fix my alcoholic, only he could do that. They did tell me that I could find peace in my world whether he was drinking or not. Totally NOT the answer I was looking for at the time, but I knew I didn’t have any answers OR peace at that point, so I figured I’d give it a shot.

I went to their meetings week after week and I remember almost begging for answers some weeks. Saying things like,”You don’t understand! He could lose his job, or get a DUI, or worse yet hurt someone!” And the response I’d get was something similar to “Yes, unfortunately all of those are a possibility.” (Seriously!?!? That’s like zero help people!!!) As the weeks and months got worse I confided with them,”I’m so afraid he will die if he keeps this up.” And more than one of these friends would say calmly, “Yes he could.”

I can’t stress this enough… EVERY SINGLE TIME it was like a bucket of ice water dumped on me!!! All of my life I was surrounded with family and friends that did their best to chase any and all sense of doom and gloom away. But now these people just embraced the tee total suck of everything and kept going on with their lives!!! It seemed ever so weird to me not to be scooped up in an embrace and promised that my fears were unfounded and that everything would turn out just the way that I envisioned it.

One week I rolled in and the theme of the meeting was “fear.” I remember a woman sharing that night and it’s as if her words had a highlighter run across them for me. Something deep in my soul (or more likely my overworked guardian angel) said to pay attention and always remember this moment and these words. The words of a woman whose life had suffered very tragically from alcoholism, yet she has a laugh that brings the most beautiful energy into a room. She said she was there as a reminder that sometimes, unfortunately, your worst fears do come true. But guess what? The sun still comes up day after day, life still goes on, and it’s up to us what we make of those days. The laughter and happiness will return if we let it.

I needed to be there that night and I needed to hear that message! I refer back to those words time and time again. That’s trust. That’s faith. That’s not giving into fear. That’s acceptance. That and the return of laughter have been what have gotten me through everything that was to come in the days, months and years after. That outlook lifted me up through separation, a cancer diagnosis, chemotherapy, mastectomy, my husband’s passing, and right on through to these current days of quarantine.

Schools are closed, meetings cancelled, businesses shut down, graduations likely cancelled, and financial loses are evident across the board wherever you look. Everyone in the whole world just had a bucket of ice cold water dumped on us. Things are bad and not at all what ANY of us wanted. But my friend is right, the sun really does keep coming up. It comes up whether we have toilet paper in the house or not! It comes up whether my child goes to prom or not. It comes up whether the stocks rally or crash. And sometimes even in the most painful of times, as it did for me 3 years ago, it comes up on days after you lose someone that you loved ever so dearly. But remember, life goes on and the laughter and happiness is there too if you will allow it in. It’s there for the taking absolutely anytime that you need it. It’s there now if you just breathe and look around.

Sending much love to you all my friends!

Kristen

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Radical Acceptance

Radical Acceptance. It’s a term that I came across months ago while reading and it really resonated with me at the time. I thought about those two words separately and then placed side by side. Two words that became more powerful when they were unified. What a beautifully unique combination and profound concept that those two simple words created when they came together! And then within a series of a few short days I happened to run across that unique two worded combination a few more times and you better believe I took notice! But then what’s typical of me… I forgot all about it.

My thoughts come back to me in due time and I’m learning through this process of sharing my thoughts and story that I can heal myself as well as others. This blog has become one of my avenues and sources of healing. And yet, I am human, so I often put my personal healing aside. More times than not, I’ve been known to ignore the whisper to go write and instead fill my time with other randomness. That is until that whisper becomes more of soul-stirring roar.

Today was one of those soul-stirring days that came from my inner guidance (or possibly too much coffee.) So this morning I logged on to write (while simultaneously ignoring the dishes.) Once I was logged in, I began to rummage back into my history of partially started stories, and the title “Radical Acceptance” resonated with me once again, causing me to open it first. There I found the lonely title and an empty page all but screaming out for attention.

But where do I start? Acceptance is something so very deep that I even question my ability to write about it. It’s at the core of religions and philosophies. It’s woven into every one of life’s triumphs and tragedies. I imagine it keeps therapy couches quite warm, and it’s something I find myself trying to embrace, deny, acquire – or sometimes even bury! – only to pick it up and dabble within the same cycle again and again. But radical acceptance??? That’s seems to me pretty weighty and awe-inspiring. And I’m not talking about just radically accepting EVERYTHING. I’m talking about the radical acceptance of just those things over which you have no control. That’s where it becomes REALLY intense and overwhelming, but at the same time beautiful.

Reflecting back, some things in my past were easier for me to accept. Surprisingly, cancer was one of those things. Scary as hell! But there it was, the fact that I had breast cancer. “Here is your proof and here is what I’m recommending you do.”, the doctors said… And as a single mom of two amazing boys, you better believe I was 100% on board to do that and them some! You name it and I’ll give it a try!

Now on the other side of the pendulum of acceptance (or lack thereof) you will find my struggles with my separation. When I finally drew a line in the sand of what I could accept in my marriage and what I couldn’t, I found out that line was located in a completely different area for him. That was, and sometimes continues to be, something extremely tough for me to accept.

Here’s the thing, I’m a pretty laid back and easy-going person. In the past, it was incredibly uncommon that I would draw ANY sort of line! I think my previous mindset was that if you rarely make a fuss, then you kind of bank points for the future. Under this point system, when you finally say, “This is REALLY important to me!” EVERYONE will certainly listen and oblige. News flash… Despite my best wishes, the world apparently doesn’t always work this way.

My marriage became one of those “news flash” kind of moments. I drew my line and I had to be firm. I needed to push my passive nature aside and say, “This is what I need for our marriage to continue.” What I found in return was that he did not want the same things that I did. I was aware that he cared deeply for me and our family, but he also clearly didn’t agree to the changes that I needed from him to keep the marriage intact. And by this time, we had reached a point where our new norm had become completely unbearable for me.

As far as acceptance goes, it was easy for me to accept that I needed things to change. It was SUPER easy for me to radically accept that HE needed to change. But just for good measure and backup, I had a list of things that I’d be willing to change in case we found areas up for negotiation. ALL of these things were fairly easy for me to accept. Where I struggled a bit more was that HE TOO had choices and they differed from mine. But the biggest struggle of acceptance by far was this… when the line was drawn he did not choose me!

As he put his wedding band down on the table and walked out, I was left to process what had just happened and question why he didn’t see our circumstances exactly as I saw them. I had felt that I had racked up enough points to win this battle and I was humbled that he refused to play my perceived point game. I would now have to face the world as a woman who was separated from her husband. I saw this as a personal failure. I believed in love, believed in our personal love story and believed in our marriage. I believed that in a marriage, if you truly loved one another, then you could work through ANYTHING. Why was this not working? I wouldn’t fully accept it. This couldn’t be the way life works when you truly believe in and work at something. So for a while, I assumed that love (or maybe my karmic point system) would kick in and things would work out. News flash #2… I’ve been known to be wrong.

Having to watch someone you love make choices that impact them and others negatively is EXCEEDINGLY difficult. Still, there was this relentless theme that ran through 2015 and 2016 for me, where I had to accept where my boundaries were and to realize that it was ok and perfectly acceptable to have them. And then there was the separation (and I can only assume the same for divorce) that calls for layers upon layers of acceptance to tackle a new world of finance, parenting and life in general. During this time my husband developed medical conditions that spiraled quickly, and just to give life that little extra pop of excitement, the tail end of his spiral coincided with my cancer diagnosis and treatment.

I often say that my frustrations with his choices added to my fire and determination to accept the cancer and focus on what (and who) I had control over. I found that I had a certain amount of control over my medical care, but whatever things were out of my control, I had to hand over to God. I also found out to my great displeasure, that I did not have much control over his medical care and I had to hand over the overwhelming majority to him and God.  Because here’s the kicker that continually got under my skin… If a middle-aged man does not want to go to the doctor, he doesn’t have to go. He does not need to listen to a doctor, his wife, his children, mother or any other long list of people. And here’s where it gets really shitty… He can choose to accept anything for himself that you yourself find unacceptable. (Just as a side note, my point system would be pretty effective in this situation. Just saying…)

Unfortunately, my husband’s health continued to decline rapidly and he passed away on January 6th of 2017 (about a month after my last chemo treatment and a month before my mastectomy.) His passing brought so many layers of acceptance (and sometimes a lack thereof) that I could write for days upon days. But I have to accept that he’s gone. There is not a single thing that will change that fact. I have to continue to raise my boys without him, and hopefully in a way that honor the good parts of who he was. After all, he is very much a part of their lives, physically in their DNA and emotionally through their many memories; so to honor his love is to honor and love them fully.

This acceptance thing is something that I’ll have to work on my whole life. I’ve heard the serenity prayer so often throughout my life. But there comes a moment when the full force of the prayer washes over you.

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.”

There was a time that I thought that I could change absolutely ANY situation that I set my sights on. All I had to do was really just focus my energy and positivity and dig deep. Fast forward to today and I can still change many things by doing just that; but instead of forsaking everything else, I try to dig as deep as I can until that little voice says “it’s ok to stop.” And here is where it gets REALLY tough… accept the outcome.

It’s a daily reminder (against my personal wishes) that there will always be some situations or people that I just can’t change. (And that’s probably a good thing, because if you remember from my news flash #2, I’ve been known to be wrong at times.) I also acknowledge that I’m not accepting the fact that the situation or person cannot EVER be changed; just that I have my own share of battles and this one is likely reserved for someone else. I am starting to accept that. Radical Acceptance? That’s got to be deeply rooted in the serenity prayer, and despite my crash course in life, I’m still a work in progress. When I reach my “RA” status I’ll let you know.